IT'S OK!

This morning...my day started out by dragging my six year old kicking and screaming to the bus...in shorts and bare feet...in 30 degree weather....all because he couldn't find his toy phone...while still recovering from major surgery.

yup...you read that right...because he couldn't find his toy phone.

Honestly once the bus drove away I sat down and wanted to cry, yell, scream, hit something. (no not someone, and don't get all judgmental because even if you wouldn't say it out loud we all get to that point once in a while)

I just couldn't figure out what they heck was going on. I was pissed. I was REALLY pissed. I kept thinking how I just wanted one morning, just one single morning, maybe even half a morning where if I take 5 minutes more to finish drinking my tea everything wouldn't fall apart. Just one morning where I don't have to stand in the middle of everything barking out orders, because if I don't my boys literally just start walking around in circles because they have to be on such a strict schedule. Just one morning where I don't have to do some kind of damage control because this one dared to look in the direction of that one. Just. One. Morning.

I took my twenty minutes, where I thought about how I just wanted this or that, and then....I sucked it up, got up and went about the rest of my morning. I needed that time to have a pity party for lack of a better term.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I want pity, or that I deserve pity. I am not saying I don't love my boys or that I would change anything about them. They are who they are, special needs does not define them. 

I am just saying that there are moments where I need to sit down and tell myself that my life as a mom of these boys is tough. That it can be tiring, and that its ok if I get aggravated.

This isn't the road I thought I would be on but here I am and I think we are doing pretty damn good walking it together, but there will be those moments where things suck and things are hard, and its ok to own it. It's ok to take a moment to scream, or yell, or cry or whatever because sometimes that's what you need to do to get yourself riled to make it through the rest of the day. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

The more we stuff it down and hold it in, the more harm we are doing to ourselves. If we are not taking care of ourselves then we can't properly take care of our kids. Just like when you are on a plain (something I have only done once and really don't want to ever do again because I am crazy scared of plunging to my death)...they tell you to put the mask on yourself and then your child because if you are not ok, then you are unable to make sure that your child is ok. It is the same thing here ladies (and gentleman if your reading) we need to take those moments to vent, we need to take those moments for ourselves in order to correctly do the job that we need to do.

Sure there will always be those people on the outside looking in who think its awful. Who will have some kind of judgmental comment about how we don't seem thankful to have children, or how its wrong to get upset....I'm gonna take a guess and say those people are not parents, or have no idea how to be a special needs parent. I mean shit being a parent in general is hard enough. So yanno what...those people can go slide up a rose bush. Until they walk a day in your shoes, you don't need to care at all about what they think.

This moment is between you and the walls. As long as your not sitting there yelling and screaming or crying at your child and letting it out in a safe way then go for it mamas.

In fact...here is my challenge for you. When you are done reading this...if you are alone take a second and just yell. Yell about how you spilt your last cup of coffee all over your white shirt when your kid came running around the corner. Or yell about the IEP meeting that didn't go your way. Scream out how pissed you are at the fact that your kid waited until last night to tell you about the science project so you ended up pulling an all nighter. Cry about the fact that your child may have special needs, that your son or daughter is not that perfect child that we all dream about. Its ok.

But then...when you are done yelling. Stand up. Brush it off. and Keep it moving. Because your house hold isn't gonna run itself and if your house is anything like mine it is going to fall apart if you don't get moving.

UM OUCH

I am so sorry to the few of you who read this!
I have been MIA because I was really sick, and then three weeks ago I had to get my gallbladder removed.

Now....If you read my blog you know that there is nothing about me that is normal...not even close. However when they went in to do this "simply laparoscopic hardly any pain" surgery they realized that I am more abnormal than anyone could have thought.

It turns out my gallbladder some how alone the line of being formed decided to climb up into my liver and stay there. So at 28 years old it was finally discovered and instead of that easy surgery, they had to cut me wide open, then cut my liver to get the gallbladder out. Not fun...and um...OUCH!

Well I was stuck in that stupid hospital bed for five days when I think begged the doctor to let me go home. Now don't get me wrong, they had the good pain meds and anything I needed they brought to me, because well I could barely even sit up since they cut my stomach muscles. But it is really hard to be the micromanaging, stay at home super mom, that I try (yes TRY) to be, when I'm not in my home with my kids!

Now first of all I have to give props to my awesome husband because he took almost two weeks off from work to take care of the boys the first week, and then myself and the boys the second. He did a great job. Ok he did his best, thankfully my mom was around to give him a hand, nothing against him, he is just not used to being home with the three boys and has no idea how their schedules go, what their day time quirks are etc. But I'm sorry in my mind no one is gonna do it the way I am going to do it, and the thought of that drove me crazy.

Knowing that my two special needs boys were probably not doing so well because I wasn't there and their schedules were probably out of whack was killing me. I just needed to get home. So I made a deal with the doc. I said doc. I promise you I will continue to do nothing, I will just be way more comfortable doing nothing at home than I will be here in the hospital. Thankfully he was ok with that and discharged me that night, night number 5.

Welp ladies let me tell you, trying to micromanage from the couch is kinda annoying. I mean I can talk until I am blue in the face doesn't mean anyone is going to listen. Then I opened my pantry to notice that EVERYTHING was moved around...same with my cabinets. Ummm NOOOOOOO!!!! Not ok. I am far from OCD I am not a super neat person, and I am not a super organized person. However my cabinets and my pantry are two places where I know where everything is and have everything where I want it, because it makes breakfast before school and packing lunches super quick and easy.

But wait! Then I go into my bedroom and BAM my closet was a disaster and so were my drawers. AHHHHHHH. again don't get me wrong I was sooo happy that the laundry was done and the house hold chores kept moving even though I was laid up but I couldn't find anything. Yes I am currently stuck in yaga pants and hoodies unless I uncomfortably put on a pair of jeans for a small outing that I'm allowed to take, but still I want to be able to just open the drawer and pull them out. But nope my yoga pants and old t-shirts were hung up in the closet...so confusing. Thankfully I had a good day the other day and I say myself on the floor and rearranged everything I could to get my closet back on track...my pantry is still killin me though.

Its weird though....even though things weren't going the way that I would have wanted them...they were still going. I had this weird ache in my gut (and not from the surgery) the first few days that had me lingering on the verge of tears. I realized that, even though I am sure I make things easier on my family, they dont NEED me to keep things going. Sure they did things differently, but they still got them done without me. I didnt like that.....ummm OUCH!

But then it hit me. I was doing my job better than I thought! I was working hard and parenting my boys to be able to handle shifts in their routine even though it is tough. I was making sure that my husband spent time with my boys and loving on them and making sure he knows them and their needs. My job isnt to do everything for my kids....but to teach them to do things for themselves. To raise them to be God fearing, organized, happy amazing young men. This experience has shown me that I am doing a kick ass job at that!

So even though the major huge gross ugly cut across my stomach makes me say umm...ouch...the rest of it...its just another reason to smile and get back on my feet so I can keep working hard and teaching them how to work hard.