IT'S OK!

This morning...my day started out by dragging my six year old kicking and screaming to the bus...in shorts and bare feet...in 30 degree weather....all because he couldn't find his toy phone...while still recovering from major surgery.

yup...you read that right...because he couldn't find his toy phone.

Honestly once the bus drove away I sat down and wanted to cry, yell, scream, hit something. (no not someone, and don't get all judgmental because even if you wouldn't say it out loud we all get to that point once in a while)

I just couldn't figure out what they heck was going on. I was pissed. I was REALLY pissed. I kept thinking how I just wanted one morning, just one single morning, maybe even half a morning where if I take 5 minutes more to finish drinking my tea everything wouldn't fall apart. Just one morning where I don't have to stand in the middle of everything barking out orders, because if I don't my boys literally just start walking around in circles because they have to be on such a strict schedule. Just one morning where I don't have to do some kind of damage control because this one dared to look in the direction of that one. Just. One. Morning.

I took my twenty minutes, where I thought about how I just wanted this or that, and then....I sucked it up, got up and went about the rest of my morning. I needed that time to have a pity party for lack of a better term.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I want pity, or that I deserve pity. I am not saying I don't love my boys or that I would change anything about them. They are who they are, special needs does not define them. 

I am just saying that there are moments where I need to sit down and tell myself that my life as a mom of these boys is tough. That it can be tiring, and that its ok if I get aggravated.

This isn't the road I thought I would be on but here I am and I think we are doing pretty damn good walking it together, but there will be those moments where things suck and things are hard, and its ok to own it. It's ok to take a moment to scream, or yell, or cry or whatever because sometimes that's what you need to do to get yourself riled to make it through the rest of the day. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

The more we stuff it down and hold it in, the more harm we are doing to ourselves. If we are not taking care of ourselves then we can't properly take care of our kids. Just like when you are on a plain (something I have only done once and really don't want to ever do again because I am crazy scared of plunging to my death)...they tell you to put the mask on yourself and then your child because if you are not ok, then you are unable to make sure that your child is ok. It is the same thing here ladies (and gentleman if your reading) we need to take those moments to vent, we need to take those moments for ourselves in order to correctly do the job that we need to do.

Sure there will always be those people on the outside looking in who think its awful. Who will have some kind of judgmental comment about how we don't seem thankful to have children, or how its wrong to get upset....I'm gonna take a guess and say those people are not parents, or have no idea how to be a special needs parent. I mean shit being a parent in general is hard enough. So yanno what...those people can go slide up a rose bush. Until they walk a day in your shoes, you don't need to care at all about what they think.

This moment is between you and the walls. As long as your not sitting there yelling and screaming or crying at your child and letting it out in a safe way then go for it mamas.

In fact...here is my challenge for you. When you are done reading this...if you are alone take a second and just yell. Yell about how you spilt your last cup of coffee all over your white shirt when your kid came running around the corner. Or yell about the IEP meeting that didn't go your way. Scream out how pissed you are at the fact that your kid waited until last night to tell you about the science project so you ended up pulling an all nighter. Cry about the fact that your child may have special needs, that your son or daughter is not that perfect child that we all dream about. Its ok.

But then...when you are done yelling. Stand up. Brush it off. and Keep it moving. Because your house hold isn't gonna run itself and if your house is anything like mine it is going to fall apart if you don't get moving.